Quotes by Steven Wright

"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"How young can you die of old age?"

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."

"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"