"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'"

"Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away."

"It's quite a famous story that takes place on Christmas Eve, and the Germans, French, and Scottish are trying to make peace one night and they bury their dead and they play football. I play a German opera singer, in German, which I never have so I am really excited about that."

"We should reject big government and look inside ourselves for all the things that built this country into what it was."

"We are not at war against Islam."

"Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people."