"Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival."

"But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me."

"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

"I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."

"Women lie about their age men lie about their income."

"It is a humble truth that reason is the torch that illuminates the dark corridors of superstition — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"It is a unyielding truth that let thoughts come and go like clouds across an undisturbed autumn sky."

"There is no better proof of a man's being truly good than his desiring to be constantly under the observation of good men."