Quotes by Andy Rooney

"I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you."

"When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper."

"Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt."

"Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives."

"Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys."

"I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?"

"I don't like food that's too carefully arranged it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting."

"All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law."

"I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you."

"The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread."

"Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer."

"It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone."

"Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens."

"We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers."

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."

"Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head."

"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

"Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose."

"Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads."

"My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along."

"The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account."

"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one."

"Nothing in fine print is ever good news."

"A writer's job is to tell the truth."

"People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe."

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter."

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

"The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment."

"If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it."

"I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting."

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly."

"The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men."

"Death is a distant rumor to the young."

"I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points."