"I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive."

"Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you."

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."

"Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something."

"The game is my wife. It demands loyalty and responsibility, and it gives me back fulfillment and peace."

"If marriage really is a sacred institution, then why is the government controlling it, especially in a nation that affirms separation of church and state?"

"In law, nothing is certain but the expense."

"Good policy makes good politics and what I've done has been good politics."