"When I was a kid, you would tune in to 'The Tonight Show' before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it's a privilege of mine to be able to be in people's homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this."

"Thank you... motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I just end up looking like I'm waving hello to a wall robot."

"I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year."

"Thank you... Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it's just like the iPhone except it can't make calls. So basically, it's just like the iPhone."

"My mother gets all mad at me if I stay in a hotel. I'm 31-years-old, and I don't want to sleep on a sleeping bag down in the basement. It's humiliating."

"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire."

"A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep."

"A goal is a dream with a deadline."