"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world."

"The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood."

"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."

"Humor can be one of our best survival tools."