"And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money."

"I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!"

"I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny."

"For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'"

"Thanks to television, for the first time the young are seeing history made before it is censored by their elders."

"Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better, Silence is deep as Eternity speech is shallow as Time."

"The greatest part of a writer's time is spent in reading in order to write. A man will turn over half a library to make a book."

"Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in."