Quotes by Woody Allen

"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead."

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ."

"Marriage is the death of hope."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."

"Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."

"To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!"

"If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."

"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

"I am two with nature."

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."