Quotes by W. C. Fields

"I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home."

"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life."

"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink."

"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree."

"Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil."

"I like children - fried."

"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against."

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."

"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"

"There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."